St. Valentine was martyred in ancient Rome in 273 A.D. Since then, the traditions that spring out of his farewell letter — signed “from your Valentine” — have made many other people feel like martyrs, too, to the pressure of making the perfect romantic gesture or showing the purest love. We asked Professor Benjamin Karney ’92, Ph.D. ’97, co-director of the UCLA Marriage and Close Relationship Laboratory, five burning questions about the most stressful romantic day of the year — and the best ways to acknowledge it.

How does one thrive, or at least survive, on St. Valentine’s Day?

You’d think that a day to celebrate romance would be fun for most people, but Valentine’s Day can be stressful for some couples because they feel that the day demands demonstration of the depth of romantic feelings. That’s a lot to ask of one specific day, especially if you happen to be busy at work, or going through something in the family, or just having a bad day. One way to honor the day is to give ourselves and our partners a little grace, and recognize that whatever happens that day is not the full measure of the relationship.

Valentine’s Day is now a $28 billion business, with half of that spent on … candy. There have to be better options, right?

Sure. Rather than let a marketing firm decide for them, every couple can decide for themselves whether or how to use the opportunity that Valentine’s Day provides. Some will use it to do something they don’t usually do, like go out for an expensive dinner or get a couple’s massage. But others may decide it’s a chance to appreciate what they already do — to celebrate what they already have that makes their relationship worthwhile.

The traditional gift was once flowers, but now it seems like it’s surprise luxury vacations. That can’t be good, right?

Not everyone has banks to break. Generally, true love is expressed more by the way we treat our partners day after day than the way we treat them on any single day. In new relationships, people may not know exactly how their partner feels about them, so they may read more into choices around Valentine’s Day as a measure of commitment. Couples who have been together longer have more evidence of each other’s commitment, so behavior on the actual day can carry less weight.

What about people in long-term relationships? How do they rekindle the spark in the clutter of everyday life?

In a long-term relationship, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to step back and appreciate the strengths of a relationship that we might take for granted on other days. Of course, there is no reason to restrict that appreciation to one day a year. Every day can be Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day can be especially painful for those who are newly divorced, those who are emotionally raw, and others who are endlessly swiping left or right on dating apps. How should they deal with it?

It is absolutely true that we live in a culture that elevates “true love” above other important relationships in our lives. For people who are not in a romantic relationship, or who have had their hearts broken, or people who find their connection and support from other sources, that can make it something to endure rather than enjoy. We have days celebrating our relationships with our mothers, fathers and lovers. What we really could use is a high-profile holiday celebrating friendship — a day to acknowledge and appreciate the people who help us throughout the year. In fact, a National Friendship Day was established by Congress in 1935; this year, it will be celebrated on August 3. We don’t make such a big deal of Friendship Day in the U.S. Maybe we should.

Read UCLA Magazine’s Winter 2025 issue.